i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
