I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize