Everything about him screamed your future.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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