He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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