I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize