What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
