Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
