He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
