What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cannot find my penis.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize