the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
