i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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