NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
