if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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