oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We need to get me chipped asap
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
