i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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