Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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