I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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