If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
