i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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