I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
