fuck your aforementioned shoe
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
