When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she peed on how many people?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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