he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize