You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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