Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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