Just cropdusted the office
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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