He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
then he tried to convert me to islam
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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