I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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