Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
