i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
