i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
