Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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