He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
