Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize