as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
