i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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