the new term for farting is butt boxing.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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