I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
