you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
