I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
