this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize