Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
