My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
