You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
