you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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