my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
