: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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