is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
