It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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