Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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