Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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