Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
