Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
