I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
