I hate your face
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
