I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
