I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
