I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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